(Warning: This is long. I began this as a post about origins of self-perception. Somehow it turned into a history on my body/eating issues more revealing than I would have planned. These are details that I have shared with very few people. I debated deleting this entry and writing about something else, but maybe my experiences can help someone else. Or maybe they will inspire you to evaluate how you handle your daughters. Maybe it will just better help you understand me. Just please don’t judge me.)
I have come to believe that the habit of criticizing yourself develops and grows based on those around you. A bit of background:
My mother is beautiful and always has been. She is one of those women who can pull off any look and look fantastic regardless of weight, weather or whatever. She receives compliments day and night (too bad my looks take after my father’s side!). She is also too critical of her physical “flaws”: her pear-shaped figure that has given birth to five children.
My father is the guy who thinks a woman can only be beautiful if she is a certain size. When watching TV, he will judge each woman based on her looks. “Ugh! She’s too thick. Nasty,” he’ll say.
Growing up, I was always tall. It was hard for me to get used to my body when I was bigger than all of the boys growing up. I was never overweight, but I also was never very petite. I remember the day my father’s comments on my weight first began. The family was out to eat at a Greek restaurant. I ordered a salad and was buttering a piece of bread. “You know, Ashley, if you just stopped eating those things, you could trim down. And with your height, you could look great.” He made these comments all the time after this. Between his comments on other women and about my own appearance, I always felt ashamed for how I looked. I never felt skinny enough for him.
A few months before my 16th birthday, a string of traumatic events happened in my family. I absorbed myself with school as a way to cope. I began to grasp on to the few things I could control. Over the period of a few months, I developed an eating disorder. I lost about 20 pounds in 1 1/2 months. I went from a healthy, energetic 146lb., 5’9.5″ 16-year-old to a controlling, lethargic 122lb., 5’9.5″ teenager. I would eat half of a banana for breakfast. I’d pack 1/2 cup of black beans and a few slices of tomato for lunch. My dinner each night was a small plate of grilled vegetables. I would exercise for a minimum of 1.5 hours each day.
I remember walking into American Eagle and buying a pair of size 2 jeans. They were loose. On a day I was wearing those jeans, my Dad came out and told me, “Wow. You really have lost weight. You look great.” I looked sick. Bones were pushing out of new places. I stopped getting my period completely. Hunger pangs were victories. It really was sick.
My mom tried to intervene all the time. She encouraged me to go to doctors. People from my church confronted my mother saying how sick I looked. My madness slowed down a year after I lost my period when my gynecologist told me that if I didn’t gain weight, I might do enough damage to never be able to have children.
The months following were challenging. The very last thing I wanted to do was gain weight! I went on medication that brought a few pounds. Every meal was a struggle. My self-confidence wavered as I watched the scale slowly climb up.
I got better. It is not something that I deal with now on a daily basis, but I do hear its voice creep in sometimes. It challenges me to get smaller. smaller. never small enough. It’s disgusting. But during that time, I felt proud when I would see my bones through my skin. (That is hard to admit.)–But those bones eventually got covered up by fat and muscle. I fight that voice when it does creep up. It says I am too big, but the ‘right’ part of my mind is afraid to lose weight and digress into that terrible cycle.
That is part of this blog. I want to shape an overall healthy mindset, lifestyle and body. I’m getting so much better!
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
wow this is really heartfelt…thank you for sharing! I can only imagine how hard it must have been to write it all out and to see it all on black and white and that takes a lot of strength! I never had a low weight eating disorder, but I have definitely spent the past many years drowning a lot of my problems is food. Its fueled my insecurities, my low self esteem and low self confidence but I’m learning to reverse that. If we learned to be self conscious about our bodies, we can learn to accept our bodies for what they are too…like your tagline says, excellence is a habit so keep working on keeping up those positive thoughts girl! God knows its the hardest part of this whole weight loss thing!
You have come a long way and the fact that you feel able to write about it shows that you are very strong. Well done (((hug)))
Thank you!
It is an experiencing writing all that out. Some of those details I have not shared with a single person. But I’m in the “learning from the past” phase and really concentrating on being “healthy”, rather than a certain size.
Thanks for your support!
Thanks for sharing. I know that wasn’t easy.
It does reinforce something that I know I need to do…Never crticize my body. My daughter is around to hear, and I don’t want her growing up with that. My mom criticized her body my whole life, and that is why I struggle with not feeling thin enough. I don’t want to pass that on to my daughter. Or make my son feel like a woman’s worth is all wrapped up in her looks and size.
I am sorry that you had to deal with that. I am so glad that you are learning to put it past you.
That’s an awesome way to be. From the emphasis my father puts on the way he thinks women should look, my younger brother has already become very critical of women based on their size. Health is such a better value to enforce in your kids. Thanks Robin
Wow…that really captivated me…in many ways that was how I grew up. Especially the comments…
I don’t have daughters but I do have 2 sons and unfortunately one of them is tall and skinny and the other is shorter and bigger. I have always made a great effort in not criticizing him…unfortunately it began at school…he would come home and exercise for really long periods and then eat just really small portions (at 11 yrs old)…that made me very sad. The flip side is that he has gone back to the eating not so healthy and snacking…it is such a tricky situation because I want him to eat healthier but I also don’t want to say the wrong thing because I know the impact it has had on my life!!
Keep up the great work and thanks for sharing such a personal story!
Reading this, what strikes me is how incredibly brave and strong you are. I’m sure it was painful to write all of that out, but I hope it was also theraputic. I think that when we know the origins of our problems it gives us a huge tool in working through the problems.
I’ve never experienced the eating disorders that you’ve experienced, but I have definitely experienced depression and anxiety issues, so I empathize completely and maybe know a little (maybe?) about how much bravery it takes to talk about these things.
I can’t imagine anyone would judge you for what you’ve written or what you’ve experienced. I do think people will respect your ability to talk about it and appreciate how your story can help others who have been through the same thing or who are raising daughters. If anyone judges you … well, shame on them! They’re not worth listening to.
I started to write about my experiences about what formed my beliefs about weight and my self-perception, but it got too long. I’ll summarize by saying that I think many many many of us get the messages you got (including me), but that I was lucky in that I think the message wasn’t pushed quite as much by my father. (The message was there, but not with as much pressure.) I’m sorry you had more negative experiences.
Isn’t it interesting how experiences like these that happen when we’re young form who we are and the battles we fight when we are older? I think you’ve done a very good thing here by sharing your story. By making people who are raising children aware of the issue, you may very well improve the future for some young girls.
Happy, thank you for your words and part of your story. The more healthy-minded I become, the more I realize how much those moments when we’re young affect us later.
Watchinmyweight- Thanks for sharing your story, too. I’m so sorry about your son. I could imagine it’s tough. It’s great that you acknowledge the challenges and are remaining mindful. If I can suggest something, I think it’d be great if you could do things that reinforce healthy attitudes (as opposed to just weight’ issues). Maybe a family baseball game or a race to the end of the block could take his mind off of his weight and appearance. Just an idea
I love the responses I am getting! Thanks for your support, guys.
Thank you for being so honest and sharing – I’m so happy that you have the strength to over come your eating disorder. You should be so proud of yourself for overcoming those negative voices – you deserve every bit of praise!
And thanks again for stopping by my journal, and I’m so glad that it led me to yours
Ashley – first off, kudos for sharing this post.
It’s so interesting; I think when all is said and done more women than not can relate to this state of mind. The constant battle of self acceptance and positive body image seems to be something almost all women deal with at some point in their lives.
I’ve struggled with diet, weight, and body image all my life and I have come to learn that it all begins in our minds and changing the focus from our bodies to our minds is where the work comes in.
Your obviously a very brave and honest person and I just wanted to say thanks for sharing:).
Awww- thanks for your support!
It is a constant battle. That is why we need to deal with these issues now so that we can pass on healthy body images/eating habits/fitness to our children. When I think back to those tough times, I wonder how much I limited myself. I wonder what I could have accomplished if I was not focusing every moment on that number on the scale. It is a sad disease. When I do have children, I want to teach them that their bodies can run fast and that fruits and vegetables will make them feel great. End of story. There’s no need to waste time on unrealistic body images– unless we’re fighting them!
Speaking of this topic: check out http://www.about-face.org/. It is worth the trip!
Thanks for sharing something so personal.
At 5’9, it seems reasonable to weigh AT LEAST 160, so 145 seems super skinny! Are you still actively trying to lose?
Don’t answer that. I’m not a professional and realize it is none of my business – hope I didn’t offend.
You’ve clearly done a lot of internal ‘work’ to get to where you are and you are to be commended for recognizing where you’ve been and how it has affected where you are today.
It’s so strange how we can carry childhood criticisms with us into adulthood. I still remember every single insult from my chubby childhood. (Luckily I remember a lot of the compliments too!)
ThickChick- when did you 86 the Hot from your name?!
Thanks for showing support. And my goal now is mostly to regain a healthy, well-balanced mindset. I want to be good to my body. And I do want to lose a few pounds. I know a little less than I am now is where I feel my best. But I’m still a chuggin!
hey ashley, I’m glad you commented on my blog so that I could visit yours! thank you so much for openly and honestly sharing your story. Our histories with food and weight ARE part of our blog, and explaining it all on here really puts things into perspective for readers. Sounds like you are doing great, love the blog, I’m adding you to my blogroll if that’s okay.
Jenn- Definitely! I can’t wait to frequent yous! Thanks
Wow!! Thank you for sharing this. I can relate to your story SO much: 5’9, 145 lbs. I am glad that you have been able to conquer such a challenge in your life and I hope that you continue to fight your eating disorder and learn how to love and accept your body. I am sorry about your dad’s comments. That alone must have been extremely hard.
ashley! your story sounds so similiar to me especially the part about the AE jeans! i love your blog
jenna
http://jennaelise.blogspot.com/
This is inspiring to read the progress you've made!
My dad has made similar comments my entire life. It is extremely hard to deal with. :/
Thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing your story. I struggle with an eating disorder and hearing you come out on the other side is such an inspiration for me.
I have been struggling for a number of years, since 10th grade. I am now going into my second year of college and I'm realizing that my future depends on my health and that health can be achieved through a healthy and happy relationship with food. Reading blogs like yours is helping me turn my negative ED thoughts into healthy thoughts.
Do you have any suggestions for beginning a healthy life/food blog? I think it would help me make peace with this process.
thanks again!
Sorry for looking back at old posts, but I LOVE seeing how far you’ve come! You’ve grown so much in 5 years… you are going back to school, are married, comfortable with your nutrition choices, and doing a huge triathlon in a WEEK! I remember reading through your blog back when you could barely run 10 minutes, and now you’ll do 10+ HOURS of three sports!
I just hope that you don’t lose sight of how far you’ve come, and that you remember to look back from time to time