Saturday I completed my third ultra marathon, the Frosty Fifty 50k. (I’m counting my failed 50-miler as a successful 50k. I ran 37 miles- that counts enough!) As with every race, I watched the majority of the other participants pass by me as I trucked along. I’m usually closer to the back of the pack and one of the last finishers in endurance events. I finished the Ironman with less than 10 minutes to go before the official cut-off time.
I’m out there doing the events, pushing myself farther than I thought I could go, learning a lot about myself and having a blast. So I sign up for more events, complete them slowly and continue the pattern.
But lately I’ve struggled with thoughts of not being good enough- of letting myself and all of you down for not training correctly, not pushing hard enough. I’ve entertained thoughts of self-doubt that maybe I shouldn’t keep starting these races when I walk to the finish or my average pace is so s l o w.
This self-doubt crumbles me. It takes me to a dark place that quiets thoughts of hope or inspiration. It’s a lie that I’m not good enough that takes away the best of who I am.
I represent the 98% of the population who will never win a race (and may never try). I run these races because they keep me setting goals and challenging myself. I wake up every few Saturdays at 4:00 a.m. because my favorite place to be is in nature surrounded by like-minded people.
My training isn’t where I’d like it to be. Heck, most of the time I don’t even have a training plan. Long runs are usually cut short for time with friends or banana pancakes in a warm bed. Maybe one day I’ll make a plan, ace my training and set a grand personal record. But right now I’m not at that point- and that’s okay.
We all bring something different to the table. Let’s not rob ourselves of the fun of life by focusing on what we’re not. Remember why you’re amazing and run with it.
What makes you amazing?
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You are very inspiring! Don’t think that because you never win races, means that you are somehow failing us or yourself! In fact, I find athletes like you much MUCH more inspiring because you are easy to relate to. I have a life, and while I love exercise, I can’t completely focus all of my attention on it. If you were to focus completely on wining and pushing yourself to uncomfortable extremes, I would become discouraged by reading your blog. I would feel doubtful of my own abilities. But knowing that you are doing things YOUR way, and taking things at your own pace, makes me feel like I can do the same! Life is not about giving all or nothing; give what you can. Enjoy the journey!
Ashley,
Thanks for posting this! I am in a spot in my life where grad school and clinicals have completely taken over and left me with little time for any kind of training. I have been frustrated and feeling like I wasn’t doing something right because it seems like everyone else has time to fit training in. But, when I wake up at 4:15am to head into the hospital and don’t get home until 6 or 7pm, it makes it quite difficult!! I still want to compete in triathlons this summer and was thinking that I shouldn’t due to the fact that I couldn’t train “enough”. But, you made me realize that if I train the best I can and finish the race, then there is no reason to feel less than awesome! I have many years to come to hit PR’s and train like crazy, so I just need to do the best I can now! Thanks girl
Thankyou so much for sharing your thoughts on this. I too, am someone who has been plagued with self doubt when I realise that I am not the fastest runner or most confident in the water. My husband has a way with wiords and constantly reminds me to ‘race my own race’ and be proud of what I have achieved. After all, I may not be the fastest out there – but the fact that I AM out there is what counts
you are so awesome and inspiring for even attempting some of the things you do!!! Don’t doubt your awesomeness!
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