I hesitate writing this post.
This blog isn’t a platform for me to whine about every thing I disagree with. (That’s what Twitter is for!)
But this post infuriated me and I can’t keep quiet about it.
It’s a long post, so here’s a quote so you get the idea:
And that whole “losing weight won’t get you boys” I call BULLSHIT. Um, yes it does. If I weighed 30 pounds heavier than I did when I met my boyfriend would he have been interested? Probably not and he is the nicest guy I know. Who wants to be “Oh there’s Brian and his fat girlfriend. I wonder what he sees in her? I’m going to introduce him to skinny mini-skirt Lindsay. He deserves better.”
In essence, we are all shallow. Losing weight and feeling good about yourself gives you confidence and guys notice. Being chubby makes you want to shank people that say “you are beautiful just the way you are.” Give me a break. What are they supposed to say? “Well, if I could discern that there was a difference between your calves and ankles and if you didn’t have so much cellulite and when you waved at me I didn’t get slapped in the face by your fat wings and when you smiled your face didn’t triple in size you would probably be beautiful.” I’ve never been obese, but I have had my share of chub (I gained about 20 pounds in one month in college thanks to a heavy dose of Prednisone. I’ll choose crippled before I take that again – I heart handicapped parking). I currently don’t like how I look and I feel like chit (again, cheet) in public most of the time. I feel uncomfortable in my body and I don’t like how my clothes fit. I have the right to not accept myself just the way I am. Just let me say “I am not okay with my body.”
Wow.
At the beginning of the post she expressed her disagreement with bloggers who say losing weight doesn’t make you happy. In a way I started to agree with her. When I shed the extra pounds I’m carrying it will make me happy.
But I’m pretty stinking happy anyway.
1. Not everyone wants to be thin. Plenty of people are more concerned with being a mom, enjoying cupcakes or just finding their natural happy weight.
2. Weight does not equal worth. At all. I am loved and love the same regardless of my weight. I’m just as smart and just as fun. Being happy with my weight will make me more comfortable in my skin but that’s it. It doesn’t change me.
3. I gained weight training for my Ironman. I might have been heavier but I did a freaking Ironman and that is awesome. Richard still thought I was hot. And I was. And it had nothing to do with weight.
4. Her mean comments about someone who has extra weight showcase why little girls develop eating disorders and so many women think they need to conform to a certain ideal.
What are your thoughts? I’d love to discuss them in the comments!
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This is the comment I posted when I read the post after seeing it linked on Skinny Runner’s blog. Thought it was worth mentioning again…
I agree with some of the points that ROTR makes. But I think that some of the other points are completely off track simply because she’s talking about something that she’s never experienced. At one time in her life, she was overweight. She lost the weight. Ok. She’s never had to deal with a lifetime of obesity. Saying how she thinks an obese person feels in public: I call Bullsh*t. I’ve lost 70 pounds and am as happy now as I was then. Why? Because I was a happy person – a fat happy person, yes, but I was a well-rounded (haha) individual who knew herself well. Fatness has never defined my happiness. Deciding to lose weight had nothing to do with being happy – it had to do with realizing that I wasn’t treating my body as the amazing machine that it is. I’m still not thin, but have run 4 1/2 marathons and love every second that I’m running the streets in my spandex for all to see
I’m struggling to find the words to correctly express my thoughts here and it is actually really hard. The part of me that is still affected daily by eating disordered thoughts can see where her post is coming from. I was put on medication for depression (from the ED) that ironically caused me to gain 30 pounds in roughly a month like 10 years ago and from that experience to this day I would take the extreme depression over being that weight again. I had never felt so out of control and horrible. That being said, I’m currently pregnant and also now 50 pounds heavier than I was from that medication weight gain. Its all about perspective I suppose, prior to being pregnant I was still heavier than that other weight and I wasn’t happy about it, but I was happy with all other aspects of my life. I’d also like to add I met my Husband at my heaviest weight (pre-pregnancy) and he thinks I look amazing no matter what size I am, which has helped me a lot to get over many of my other self esteem issues.
But, like I said, I still have issues with disordered thoughts and struggle with what is healthy and what I want out of my body (size, exercise ability, etc…) on a daily basis. Having a child on the way the last thing I want is for her to pick up my disordered issues so I’m obviously working really really hard to get control of the issues with weight. I agree that your perspective about weight not equaling self worth is the correct attitude to have, and I hope that I can raise my daughter and show her that.
Hi Ashley,
You seem to be very passionate about this post, so I am sure the other poster was as well. I don’t really care to read her post, because it seems like an argument that will always have two sides. That aside, I have to ask what you mean in your reason #1? Are you saying that those women who keep a thin figure are not also ‘concerned with being a mom, enjoying cupcakes or just finding their natural happy weight’? Also, maybe your weight gain hurt you ironman training? I mean, you never know because you just did it that one way and perhaps a leaner body could have helped you be faster and stronger?
I don’t mean to be rude in ANY way. I just wanted to point out to you that passionate posts can be hurtful even if they have good intentions. Your reason #1 struck me quite hard, I care deeply about being a wonderful mom and I believe my health and ‘thin’ body is a testament FOR not against that.
Thanks for your comment. In my #1 I didn’t mean that you can’t be thin and do those things. I meant that it’s not everyone’s priority, and not everyone cares about it (even if they are thing). I have full intentions to be a loving, thin mom. And if I weigh more that’s fine too if I’m okay with it.
I plan to weigh less for my next Ironman. I wanted to weigh less going into this one. Unfortunately there are many factors involved and that didn’t happen. And it’s fine.
hey Ashley,
Thanks for the response! I appreciate it a lot- super cool! You sound pretty exhausted by the whole thing. Just know you’ve done what you can and put it behind you. The strongest thing is to believe in yourself!
Thanks Macrae! I really appreciate the nice comments
first of all, congrats on your engagement…I follow you on twitter and I am so happy for you…but I can’t help but “call you out” on something…Didn’t you write a post about dating a healthy/active man before? Also, Richard is pretty athletic and hawt (woo hoo)….I’m sure you were attracted to that! If he was an overweight couch potato you wouldn’t be engaged so quickly would you?!
He is the hottest man I’ve dated and that is just a bonus. Our love story would play out the same regardless of his weight or habits. I should disclose we read your comment on my laptop as we polish off a bowl of cookie dough
And before I did date an overweight, completely inactive man. We stopped seeing each other mostly because we had nothing in common, but he still could have been overweight and exercising. Also, I never said mean comments about his weight or “wings” or cellulite. He was a great human being.
I have to agree with Diana’s post. However, I have read what you’ve posted (very sweet!) about your and Richard’s history, so clearly you are not together just because he is in shape…but I think looks/fitness does play a role in attraction.
While you previously dated someone who was overweight, you mention you broke up because you had nothing in common! Fitness and a value of health clearly not important to him.
Being with someone who is athletic/in-shape probably is important to you (amongst other factors) as that person’s decision to be in-shape is a reflection of their values (fitness!) which you also share.
I appreciate your post presenting a different opinion on the initial post. Conversations on controversial topics are great, I love all the comments.
Thank you so much for this post. I read the post and felt extremely upset as well. Just a sad perspective. This is the kind of stuff that caused once little girls like me to have serious problems as we grew up.
I have so much respect for you, Ashley, and you must know that you did the right thing by calling out this negative behavior and practice. There is a fine line between humorous sarcasm and tactless ignorance, and you have every right and obligation to define those boundaries for yourself and to announce them as publicly as you can. You are amazing.
I urge you to consider how you would have felt had another blogger called you out in this fashion for a post you made that they disagreed with.
It’d be fine. It’s open discussion. I’m aware I am blogging on the internet- a public forum.
I have to say I find this interesting considering how upset and defensive you have been about people expressing concern about your marathon goals. Just putting it out there.
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The absurdity of the original poster is beyond words. I totally get that she was making an attempt at sarcasm but the ironic thing is is that it was almost completely not funny; she just came across pathetic and hostile. We all are entitled to our own opinions and that’s the beauty of this society we live in. But OP is a glaring example of all the fuhked up-ness of aforementioned society. She is truly a feminist’s nightmare.
Chicas need to realize we are so much more than a pretty face or a body. WE ARE PEOPLE, NOT THINGS. Being skinny doesn’t solve anything. I agree wholeheartedly that being healthy is super important, but the last time I checked you don’t have to be x pounds or x dress size to be healthy. And I know so many skinny people that are the farthest from healthy one could be- living on oreos, easy mac, and beer. Skinny? Yes. Healthy? Hell no. IDK, this is just how I feel and what I believe and you can agree with me or not but that doesn’t change my feelings. Maybe we should all just go make a bonfire, roast marshmallows, and sing kumbaya. Now that would make me really happy.
Technically….we are THINGS. I know it’s kinda hard to wrap our heads around exactly what that means. We are animals. We are things. “People” is an arbitrary distinction. Although, so is “things”.
I think she meant we aren’t objects… we have feelings, thoughts and emotions.
I really hope that you forewarned her that you were going to write this post. If I were in her position, I’d certainly like to be aware that this was going to happen.
I had seen the original post before you brought it up on your blog, and what I read was a girl letting out her frustrations in a funny, sarcastic, but honest way. Just because her way of communicating those feelings and her choice of jokes didn’t strike you as funny, doesn’t mean she deserved to be called out like that.
Anyway, onto the issues.
I find it incredibly hypocritical that bloggers and commenters are saying negative things about this girl. All of these people claiming they’re not superficial in the least? Yeah,right. What exactly are they all doing reading “healthy living blogs” then? The healthy living blogs in this community are not about health. They are fun and enjoyable, but they are about the maintenance of a particular type of lifestyle, and that includes losing vanity pounds. Not life-changing, health-saving weight loss – no, losing 10lbs to get to their “happy weight”. This isn’t shallow? Please.
I have been reading your blog for a very, very long time, and while it’s great that, in this post, you’re implying that you have found peace with weight, I find that to be not entirely true. I have read many, many, MANY blog posts of yours where you discuss wanting to lose weight. Ten pounds isn’t going to make you healthier – you are already slim and athletic. So, what exactly is losing those ten pounds going to do for you? If you are happy and secure, and believe that “not everyone wants to be skinny” then why exactly are you wanting to lose weight?
And let’s say for the sake of argument that you are absolutely at peace with food and weight, and this girl is not. Have you really forgotten about your other posts where you express such strong desire to be thin? Have you forgotten what that’s like? If you truly believe that this girl is troubled and has poor self-esteem, why are you calling her out instead of sympathizing with her?
You once wrote a post about wanting to maintain your 1400 calorie diet. And what about the post where you said you couldn’t fit into your “hot” jeans? Maybe others will disagree, but that doesn’t sound very health-centered to me. And I remember you writing a review of a diet-book but couldn’t remember the exact name, so I searched your archives…and it was this post: http://healthyashley.com/2009/07/book-review-your-big-fat-boyfriend/ ……..in which you reviewed the book “Your Big Fat Boyfriend”.
I hope that you will write a more sincere follow-up to your post, and really address some of the issues that your commenters have brought up.
I left a comment on her blog letting her know about the post.
I never attacked the blogger for wanting to be thin. Heck, I want to be thin. Yes, I have 15 pounds of extra weight on me that I’m not fond of.
The point of my post was her mean, offensive comments about extra weight. It was about the idea that we’re not worth it if we weigh more. That is a bigger issue in society- and an idea that played a part in my development of an eating disorder.
It wasn’t that I didn’t find her funny, it was that I found her mean and demeaning.
The posts in my archives about maintaining 1400 calories and those jeans reflect a very different me. I’ve blogged a lot about my struggle with and recovery from an eating disorder and I’m not that person anymore. I’ve thought about deleting them but I leave them up because it is part of my story.
No need for a follow-up.
I find it incredibly inappropriate that you copy and pasted her blog, piecemeal and without the original context, only to attack her opinion. It is just that. Her opinion. And the ironic thing is, you have expressed similar opinions just perhaps more eloquently and in a less sarcastic and politically incorrect manner.
If you wanted to blog about a contrary opinion, you could have approached this in a different manner without attacking the original blogger.
You’ve lost another reader today. I’m not a big fan of “mean girl” blogging.
Agreed on all accounts and with other similar comments. I’m done reading here. This discourse is spiteful, and it saddens me. While I understand some of the disagreement over her post, it is entirely hypocritical to post mean-spirited and attacking comments in response.
Funny that the bloggers in question seem okay with the situation but, other people are the ones freaking out and being immature, “You lost a reader ect” A blog is just that, however its on the internet and people have a right to discuss. If she just wanted to put out her opinion and didn’t care what anyone thought, why did she leave the comments on. You can’t expect everyone to agree with you, and you should not take offense if they do not, or point it out. I’m not sure exactly what Ashley said that “attacked” the blogger in question. Mean girl blogging that is hysterical! If you are so objected to discussion maybe you shouldn’t be part of the blogging community anyway.
hey ashley,
just saw this post and also read the other blogger’s post…i wanted to wait to comment instead of just compulsively writing my own opinion. i read her other posts and browsed her page and after doing that, i actually respect her for writing her own opinions. i didn’t find anything offensive about it. i think just how she writes can be offensive to people but it’s her writing style. anyway, i don’t want to dismiss anyone’s blogs because as a reader, you don’t have to agree with everything people write about, right. she actually wrote more about the post she wrote and explained stuff. i feel she did not have to do that and defend herself. anyway… i respect your opinions too as they are yours.
Ahh! That drives me NUTS! I recently lost a bunch of weight to the point it was unhealthy and my boyfriend told me over and over again, I was much prettier when he met me (It was my highest weight, even “overweight” according to BMI standards), so bullcrap about being bigger and guys not liking it! Guys like curves.
However, I do understand that this is a TRUE feeling. I am totally not blaming the poster for anything, I’m just saying I disagree with her on that it’s not true. But that does not mean at all I don’t understand the feeling!
I couldn’t agree with you more. You’re truly a huge inspiration, thank you for writing this!!
Hey Ashley,
Wow. I’ve read this bloggers post and have had a difficult time digesting everything she said. My first reaction was disgust for the comment about being crippled rather than being fat. Personally, the ability to run and challenge my body to perform at its peak empowers me more than fitting into a certain pair of jeans. As someone who has suffered from Anorexia when I was 13, I know for a FACT that being skinny did NOT make me happy. I was miserable, and it was a terrible way to live. It’s taken me over ten years to realize that my worth is not measured in how much I weigh. The reason I love your blog is because it’s a positive place and it really inspires me to think about what my body can DO instead of obsessing about how I look. The sad part is, I used to have an outlook similar to that girl, and I honestly feel sad for her that she is still struggling with her self worth (especially because she is actually a beautiful and apparently intelligent person who is NOT fat). After reading her blog, I was left with a heavy, negative feeling that didn’t do anything for me. I read blogs for inspiration, not to fuel the internal negative self talk that I already fight on a daily basis.
All this said, I’m not trying to put her down, I’m just looking at the situation as someone who used to view the world the way she does, and now have adopted a love for my body I never thought possible. I’m happy now, and I just hope she can someday come to the place where she values her body instead of being self-depracating which is a negative and useless way to live.
Thanks for blogging, keep up the good work.
Welp, here’s my two cents worth. Perhaps more than that. Maybe like my bank account’s worth. I’ve been holding this in for a long time.
Once upon a time, before my disreputable cohorts and I started our own vegan cooking blog, we sought recipes on-line. We had a few places we liked in particular. Deliciousness abound. But then something happened to those blogs–they became “Fitspiration” blogs.
AND SO THE MIGHTY FELL.
Fitspiration blogs. I find them both offensive and unfortunate, and I find them a source of negativity for women everywhere. “My life changed when I started running and lost 15 pounds. Look at how nice I am in my wedding dress. See my wedding photos here.” How did they fit into their wedding dress? No worries. You can find their training plans that are not necessarily appropriate for every individual body here. Don’t sue if you get hurt, though! Look at my sexy boyfriend/fiancee/husband. He loves that I cook and run marathons. Yay!
For people who are obese, reading about how sad someone is over their 10 pound weight gain is tragic. Getting hurt after taking training advice from someone who is just an amateur is also not too pleasant. Seeing a beautiful young athlete with her handsome, athletic mancandy could give a single girl with lazy eye and non-existent biceps a complex for sure. There is more than one way to damage a person’s psyche–it’s not always through direct insult.
You want to talk about damage to society? Why are 90% of fitspiration blogs written by what seems like the same person? (So many of them are named Ashley. I think it’s a government conspiracy. Right up there with the aliens) Being a young, skinny, fit, white, straight woman is not the only way to be healthy or beautiful.
The Reeses girl can have her opinions. You can have yours. Just remember that she isn’t the only person in the blogosphere that has caused a hundred women to go bat-shit crazy on a comment board.
Thanks for sharing your interesting perspective. I’m sorry you feel that way.
But I’m confused on what you’d like us to do about it. I’m many of those things you say 90% of fitspiration blogs are… but that’s just what I genuinely am. I’m young, white, straight and engaged. Of course that’s not the only way to be, but it’s who I am so it’s what my blog is.
I won’t hide, but I am always honest with my struggles and my triumphs-even if my name is Ashley.
But that’s just the point, girly. The blogosphere develops as it will. It’s filled with problems and horrible messages for young girls/BOYS. Let’s not forget that the world is filled with sons, too. The point is, they are either going to read blogs that directly insult them for being fat, or they read blogs where women/men all fit a profile that they DON’T. Or places where women say things like “I’m happy with who I am,” but then have written out goals that say “Finding my happy weight and staying there.” Needing to find a happy weight suggests being unhappy with the current weight. It suggests that one does see flaws with their body. This is an equally destructive message, just delivered in a more flowery manner.
No, you nor I can do anything about it, and that’s not the point. The point was to not forget that while we’re all out there slinging stones, we’re often causing problems ourselves. You, me, Reeses…Nobody is the guru of happiness for the children of the world.
To quote a worthy hero, Kurt Vonnegut–”Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before.”
This is to both Ashley and those leaving negative comments about her recent post:
If you don’t like a blog or it makes you feel bad about yourself then simply stop reading!
No need to leave comments setting out why you don’t like the blog, no need to post on your own blog about why that person is wrong. Just make sure your own posts reflect what you believe in, read only the blogs you enjoy and leave others to do the same.
Hey Ashley,
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time and don’t think I’ve commented often. I appreciate that you took on this post with tact. I don’t think anything you said was rude. However, after reading everyone’s comments I’ve come to one conclusion: Everyone seems so focused on looks and not health. It’s disheartening to read “If I were thin….” There is a big difference between thin and healthy. If you’re obese and you lose weight you improve your overall health, you can reverse diabetes and CVD, and you can relieve achy joints. There are many biochemical factors that improve as your overall health improves including depression and even dementia in later life. Does this mean you’re squeezing into a size two? No. Does this mean your quality of life will enhance? Absolutely. Can weight loss if you’re obese make you happy? Yes because your health improves. A healthy body= a happy body. Does being thin make you happy? Not necessarily. Does being overweight make you unhappy? Not necessarily. In general, I agree that healthy living blogs are conformed to a certain image instead of focusing on the medical sense of health. Personally, I think if you’re overweight and you want to lose weight you’ll have more success and feel better about yourself if you do it for health and not image.
To the girl that wrote post in which you’re discussing:
I’ve been on the obese side, I was a happy girl. I entered graduate school in public health, learned about health preventive factors to different health outcomes and decided to change my life. I’m 5’2 and went from 175 to 122. I’m not rail thin, I don’t freak out when the scale moves, and I’ve learned how awesome a natural, fresh diet can make you feel. Am I happier in general? Not necessarily. Am I happier that my health has significantly improved and I’m able to physically do more things? Absolutely. I’ve also dated wonderful men when I was overweight and currently. If you really must lose weight to impress a man what kind of a relationship would that turn out to be?
Oh and p.s.
Just a general opinion of mine: You don’t have to accept yourself however, complaining isn’t going to help you. If you want to be a certain way, make the change and do it. I’m a strong believer in self-motivation. If you’re not motivated enough to make the change you want to make, then don’t complain about it or bring others down.
**The last sentence wasn’t directed towards anyone. Just a general comment so please don’t take it the wrong way.
Haha I love the disclaimer at the end
I agree! Turn your words to action!
Thanks for linking to that post! She’s hilarious. ROTF just gained herself a reader. You, however? Need to go look up the definition of satire.
why did it take this post to make you stop reading her blog? you clearly stated on your blog that you hate healthy living blogs so what are you doing on here to begin with…. to write mean comments? thats very sad.
What’s sad is that anyone would take my comments – or anything else they read on the Internet, for that matter – so seriously. Read a book.
It’s funny because Cely from the other blog and I are friendly and have chatted via email. It’s the commenters that have turned the situation mean.
you got upset about all of this long before i did.
and i can’t wait to start reading books. thanks for the advice.
obviously the above comment was intended for cheery-pants, marie. just to clarify
I haven’t read all the comments, but boy this DID stir up a lot of debate. The only way I can talk is from personal experience. I am an ‘Ironman’ triathlete… before that I was a ‘marathoner’ and watched every single calorie that went into my mouth. I was SOOOO restrictive in regards to what I would put in my mouth and went to bed hungry nearly every night. But I was SKINNY, real skinny. And I had an amazing boyfriend. But I wasn’t happy with myself and who I was. Inside I was a complete mess, even though people told me I looked beautiful on the outside (and some people told me I looked scary skinny – those comments STUNG). I ended up purposefully gaining weight to get into triathlon. We need power on the bike and through the water, my itty bitty body just couldn’t turn the pedals, I needed some extra lbs. I put on weight… more than I would like. I was not happy! Still struggle with having an extra layer or two on my body. But when I think about going back to my crazy restrictive self I remember how unhappy I was back then and not able to train the way I do now. Then all is right with the world. And boys still love my junk in the trunk.. even if I don’t completely accept it myself – yet.
Keep your head up girl!! You are amazingly wise for being in your early 20′s.
ps. I could probably go on and on about dad relationships with you as well. I don’t know what has happened in your relationship. All I can tell you is I’ve had to accept my dad for who he is, I can’t really trust him (sad) nor rely on him, but he is my dad and I know underneath it all he loves me. And that’s where I’ve settled.
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