I feel confused, challenged, embarrassed, relieved, sad and excited.
It’s about my identity.
It’s about food.
It all started a few weeks ago when comments on my Paleo Vegan Crunch Bar recipe decided I wasn’t vegan because I used honey in my recipe. Honestly, I’d just never thought of honey in my vegan diet. Still, it led to me thinking of how much of a label being vegan often was.
This week I’ve been craving eggs. Like I’m imagining the crispiness of the edges in the skillet and how the inside can be just a little gooey in my dreams. I want eggs from my mouth to my toes and I can’t make myself forget about them.
But I’m vegan. So I’ve resisted. Of course. But resisting something I want so badly didn’t make sense in my head so I stopped to think about it.
I realized that being vegan had become about “looking good.” Rather than indulging my evolving tastes and interests, I told myself no… because I’m “vegan.” It felt inauthentic. Saying no felt like I was pushing down a part of myself because I was afraid of what others would think or that I would look less “good.”
I’ve loved my vegan diet for the past four years because it eliminated sluggishness and stomach pains. It was a diet based on compassion and clean health. The political statement and ecological footprint were bonus. This diet worked for me. I ate at fantastic restaurants, I created dishes in my own kitchen and I ran more than ten marathons on this plant-based, animal-free diet.
I’m a different person now. I lift more weights and I’m more active in general. I avoid soy and beans because they leave me bloated and in pain; I avoid wheat-based meat alternatives as I strive to stick to whole foods and avoid gluten. Other than veggies that are higher in protein, I’m left with nuts and protein powder. It hasn’t been cutting it.
So I am taking a stand to be strong enough to not be perfect. To give myself compassion to live and explore and change and eat an egg if I want (or throw it up if it’s gross). I am letting go of the label and the comfort, identity and “looking good” piece that it brings.
So this is me recognizing that I’m not perfect. That who I am will change and change and I need to be strong enough to be okay with that. Strong enough to ditch my “identity” to try something new.
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Good for you, Ashley. I know that putting our lives out there on a blog can be a little intimidating because we know others might judge us for our choices. But choosing what makes you feel good and makes your body happy is very important. Trust those instincts. I also notice how impressed I am with bloggers who choose something (whatever it is, even if I don’t agree or like it) and stick to their guns. It’s a great way to say “this is who I am and I’m proud of it.” Makes me respect people just that much more.
Lauren @ Sassy Molassy recently posted..Pizza Research
Good for you! I’ve done the same thing. I was a vegetarian, then vegan, then paleo follower. Now I am “all things in moderation.” The labels are tough because they pigeonhole you, when in reality, you are just work in progress. Sometimes, the best way to achieve progress is to try new things.
Good for you! You’ve acknowledged when you needed to make a change, and done so. That is both brave and admirable. You should be proud.
Also, burgers served on a portabella mushroom with guacamole are DELICIOUS.
Ashley recently posted..Jamaica 2012
We all love you just the way you are, vegan or not.
“Strong enough to ditch my “identity” to try something new.”
At whose expense?
I started as a vegan for purely selfish reasons. To be thin and to be healthy. It has since evolved so much that when I see dairy cows all chained up and chickens forced to lay eggs in confined spaces, I know that my choices are benefiting so many other creatures and the environment.
Anyway, to each his own. I’ve never made a really “opposing” comment because I don’t want to be “that guy,” but it does make me sad when someone who once made the choice to do the right thing goes backward.
P.S. Have you read the 80/10/10 diet? Very interesting stuff. Summing it up in three words for you would be increase your fruit.
The reasons I was vegan for four years and vegetarian for almost 13 are hugely for the animals… I’ve seen Food Inc. and the documentaries. I had a farm myself and couldn’t imagine killing any of those beautiful animals (much less treating them wrongly) for my plate. I want to be clear on those intentions. I still won’t eat meat and when I eat any animal products, I will make sure as often as possible that they are as ethically-sound as possible.
I’ve been struggling with this as well. I went vegan, but struggled because I’m a super picky eater and ended up being vegetarian for over a year. I would cheat every once in a while, but I would find myself hiding it from people because I didn’t want them to know. Finally, I just accepted that a vegetarian diet and restriction wasn’t for me. It led to crazy thoughts of restriction and I don’t want to go there. Now I’d say that 75% of my meals are veg, but if I’m out at a restaurant and the only thing that sounds good is a burger I go for it.
I think the hardest part was the fact that I went veg for ethical reasons. If it had been a diet, I could say that it didn’t work for me. But the ethics and facts are the same.
Thank you so much for sharing! I’m glad I’m not the only one that struggles with this.
Laura recently posted..Friday Five
Restriction and crazy thoughts… YES. I’ve had disordered eating and if eating an egg makes me less disordered, I’m going for it.
I am so happy you were brave enough to post this!! I always say do what makes you happy. Everything else just falls into place!!
Thanks, Steph!!
You rock! nuff said
Based on what you say in this post, you chose to be a vegan for your own personal gain. You saw the impact of your veganism on the rest of the world as a “bonus”. You’re giving up this lifestyle because you feel it no longer benefits you.
That is your choice to make, of course. But don’t turn it into an act of bravery or strength. You’re eating eggs because you want to, that’s all.
I guess my intention wasn’t communicated clearly. I want to be an ethical eater but without a vegan label. Most of my dishes are still going to be vegan but sometimes they won’t be. When they’re not vegan I’ll do my best to make them ethical.
Telling myself I can eat the things I’ve told myself are bad for so long does take strength.
As a “vegan” of eight years, I honestly believe one should eat what makes them and their body happy and healthy. There is an ebb and flow to life and we have to hop on for the journey. If I wake up tomorrow and want eggs or a hamburger, I’m not all of a sudden a bad person or bad vegan. I’m still me. And I’m allowed to do what I want and never be constrained by how I choose to eat.
That being said, I did comment about honey not being vegan. It can easily be replaced in most recipes, so for the sake of accuracy to the public about this lifestyle and diet, I felt the recipe should reflect the correct title.
Carolyn recently posted..Recent Recipes
Beautifully said!
Ashley, thank you so much for this post. I am very impressed that you chose to address your reasons for leaving veganism on your blog – many other bloggers would not have!
Veganism is not about being ‘perfect’ and once you start thinking like that, then maybe veganism is not a good choice for you. If you have no strong moral or ethical feelings towards veganism – and have found that you cannot thrive well on a vegan diet – then choosing to eat animal products is not a big deal. The only thing that would make it a big deal is if you were to deceive your readers – something which you have not done, so thank you for that.
All the best.
Thank you for your comment. I want it to be clear that I have the same ethics and morals toward veganism… I just need to change it up and see how it can work for me. My compassion for the animals hasn’t changed.
I wish other vegans and vegetarians wouldn’t make each other feel guilty for not being ‘perfect.’ Life does not have to be so black and white. You are still doing a world of good for the environment and the animals if you eat a vegan or vegetarian diet 95% of the time… or even 50% of the time. Shaming each other doesn’t promote a message of tolerance and acceptance, it does not create a supportive community, and it certainly does not motivate other people to join us.
Well Said!
I recently made the switch from vegan to not as well. My body was craving animal products. After I ate my first piece of meat, I felt such a relief. I felt like their was such a tremendous pressure to be perfect on a vegan diet. I am really happy that I made the switch (and so is my body).
However I told myself that if I was to become an omnivore again I would only eat animals that are humanely raised. I get all my meat and eggs from local farms/farmers markets.The animals are all pasture raised/grass fed. They live their lives on one farm and as far as I can tell, live pretty good lives. The prices are much more than the grocery store but it is totally worth it. Plus, they taste amazing. I would strongly suggest that if you are interesting in eating eggs to get pasture raised eggs from local farms. They are vastly superior in taste and nutrition compared to their supermarket counterparts.
All you have to do is look the yolk color and you can see the difference (the pastured eggs are a bright yellow color!)
I wish you all the best on your journey!
Liz
I had been vegetarian since I was about 9 until last September. The choice was based on a mix of ethics, taste, and the mental “ick” factor I have about eating meat. I decided to try eating meat to see if it would improve my energy levels/general health.
I also ate only pastured meat from small local farms etc. To begin with, I didn’t love the taste and texture of meat but I did feel “satisfied” after eating it. For about 6 months I ate meat a few times a week, and I liked it okay. And then suddenly I just didn’t like it any more.
My theory: something had been missing in my diet that was affecting my health and that was easy to replenish quickly with meat. Now if I can stay generally healthy, I will go back to being at least 90% vegetarian. (I might eat a small amount of meat if someone has cooked it for me, etc.)
I would never say it’s not POSSIBLE to remain healthy long-term on a vegetarian or vegan diet, and maybe I will decide never to eat meat again and be just fine. But though I have felt uncomfortable admitting to vegetarian and vegan friends that I was eating meat, it was the right thing for me at least for a short time. I probably won’t describe myself as a vegetarian from now on, just so that I have the mental flexibility to choose food based on a wider range of considerations.
The labels on being ‘vegan’ or ‘vegetarian’ or ‘raw food’ drive me crazy. When I was all of those things it wasn’t to uplive a label but because I believed in eating clean and because I didn’t like mass agriculture, especially when it came to meat. I wanted to eat ingredients that I knew didn’t have all the funky additives. I also eat that way because it pleases my palate and my body.
Christine @ Oatmeal Bowl recently posted..What’s Baking this Weekend?
I admire your honesty, Ashley. I think a lot of us who care about animal welfare beat ourselves up about our choices. None of us is perfect – we all just do the best we can.
Way to go Ash. I know “not being vegan” can have just as big a label as “Being vegan” does. Just go with the flow, do what’s right for you, and make good decisions. Everything in moderation for me!
Also thanks for sharing. I know it must be tough to open yourself up to criticisms. We appreciate your honesty and candour!
It will be interesting to see how your performance (running, triathlons, etc) changes now that you are eating more protein. Hopefully you’ll post how you feel different (if any).
All day I’ve been drafting a blog, trying to announce to my community that I’m no longer vegan. Now I just want to link everyone to yours, with a simple…”Me too”. I’ve been stressed and making dietary choices out of fear…fear of abandoning this label and being judged for it. I can’t thank you enough for posting this, it’s exactly what I needed to read. Diet is such a personal choice, and we owe it to ourselves to tune out labels/perfection and do what works best for us. I hope you enjoyed your eggs!!!
Jenn recently posted..Whole Foods Shopping List
Thanks for sharing! It’s great that you’re listening to your body and adapting as you need to – and if anyone hates on that, that’s their problem, not yours.
Hi! Visited your site after I saw the tweet reply of TorontoGirlWest re how animal products are filling. Just realized that we are sort of on the same boat! I just recently decided to turn omnivore again after seven+ years of being vegan. Long story, but I feel happier and healthier now. All about eating clean and enjoying life
Cheers and best regards!
Emma recently posted..Post Fever Workout
I love your honesty and courage in this post. It’s really difficult to let go of labels, isn’t it. I’ve been vegan for a year, then went back to eat “normally”, then went back to being vegan for a year, and now I’m stuck as I still feel like being vegan is suppressing a part of me and un-dealt with issues that I have around weight, food and identity. So, I’m back to being not vegan and working through these issues so that if I do go back to being vegan I do so with authenticity and utter commitment. Sorry, you really didn’t need to know all that! Just wanted to empathise and let you know you’re not alone in how you feel, and that you’re awesome for doing something about it
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