I really didn't want to blog about this.
I imagined people thinking, "doesn't she have enough babies?"
and, worse, that it might be selfish to keep getting pregnant if I'm prone to miscarriages. Do people think that?
Either way, here I am: writing about my third consecutive miscarriage.
We weren't trying to get pregnant.
But for as terrible I am at keeping a pregnancy, we are really good at getting pregnant.
I suspected that I might be pregnant weeks before the test... just weird little things and feelings that seemed like signs popping up everywhere.
And then I got the positive test at 3am New Year's Day. What a way to kick off a new year!
The due date was both of our dads' birthdays... September 4th.
Having four little ones would be crazy, but it would also be wonderful. And since we want to stop at four kids, we envisioned the end of diapers in the distant future and chatted about how we'll be empty nesters at 50.
If you think you can't get attached to the hope of a new life in five days, you haven't been pregnant. Or you haven't met me, because I am zero to 100 in seconds. (Like that time we adopted our boys from a Facebook post.)
It was five days of bliss.
There's just something so magical about feeling the hope of a new life inside of me before anyone else knows it's there.
But I also waited to see blood every moment of the day.
And, just as it did last time, it came in the middle of a perfectly happy day. I went to the bathroom and a drop of blood came out.
And just like that we knew it was over.
5 weeks, 4 days pregnant. Miscarriage #3.
Funny enough, hours after the miscarriage began, I received the results from a blood test that actually explains why I've been having recurrent losses.
Diagnosed with a disease on the same day I have a miscarriage? Hello, 2017!
So today I'm staying in my pajamas, working on my laptop with a huge cup of full-caffeine coffee, and staying busy with my three (!) beautiful babies.
I'm getting better at trusting that God always has a plan more beautiful than I could imagine. My boys are two chubby little reminders of that for me. So while my body feels like hell right now and I'm sad at hope lost, IT WILL BE OKAY.
"When peace like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll
Whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say
It is well, it is well, with my soul
It is well
With my soul"