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adoption

Adoption
Forever Ours! And Our Letter to The Boys’ Birth Mom
December 19, 2016 at 10:34 pm 1
15541409_10105725927497241_5661743435355020599_n The boys are ours!!! We finalized our adoption of Henry and Jack today! Happy adoption day, my boys! I can't begin to express how awesome it feels to know they're really really really ours. They've been our sons since we first met them in August, but having a judge tell us that they are as legally ours as Clara is just makes us feel so at ease. And no more social workers or home studies or adoption lawyers or paperwork! (Although we have the best social worker and adoption lawyer!)  Adoption is a lifelong journey, but this part is OVER! 🙌🏼

This morning I finally sat down to write in the card I bought our boys' birth mom when the process first began. It's customary to give your child's birth mom a note and small gift when the child is placed with you; our open adoption relationship hasn't been textbook, so we did it today!

Since we were matched with the boys through a private attorney, she never got to see our profile book. Funny story, it actually came in the mail the day we got the news that we were chosen!

In addition to our book (so she could learn more about our family, where we live, what we do), we had a pendant made for her with the boys' birth date and an infinity symbol, and a small keepsake box. We also included our card, tons of photos of the boys (with descriptions written on the back) and an update letter with the boys' weight, milestones and other fun things.

Before writing the letter, I did some Googling for inspiration on what adoptive parents have written their children's' brith mothers/parents. I found nothing! I wanted to share what I wrote to her in case any other adoptive parents need inspiration for pulling together all those emotions and feelings of thanks into a few sentences!

Dear ____,

We are forever connected, and forever grateful to you, for you chose us to parent these two perfect baby boys you grew right under your heart. Thanks will never be enough. Instead, we hope that you feel security and joy that Henry and Jack are forever loved and cared for, and that they will always know you and the selfless choice you made for them. We couldn’t possibly love these boys more!

With lots of love, Richard and Ashley

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Adoption
Three Things That Have Surprised Me Since Adopting Twins
September 27, 2016 at 4:15 pm 4
twin boys one month

Happy one month!

Adoption— the journey to adopt, the process of adopting and the lifelong navigation of post-adoption— is complex. Every single day my ideas about adoption are changing— they've (thank Jesus) shifted from a me-centered mindset to one that (strives to) focus 100% on what's best for the boys— and also, in many aspects, their birth mother. I'm by no means an adoption expert. And I'm definitely not a perfect adoptive mom. But since I am obviously an adoptive parent, I'm doing my best to support others considering adoption and share what our journey looks like. All while trying to avoid putting my foot in my mouth ;) The boys' birth mom chose us just about a month ago and we've had them home from NICU for about two full weeks now. I still can't believe these beautiful boys are ours! In the past several weeks, here are some things that have surprised me...  

My Heart for The Boys' Birth Mom

We have an open adoption, but we haven't met the boys' birth mom yet. And this breaks my heart. I'm surprised by just how much I care about her— both for who she is to the boys, and because she's automatically a valuable person to our family. We're waiting on her lead, but I hope we can explore a relationship with her soon.  

The Amount of Attention They Bring!

Transracial twin adoption— our family has become a walking billboard for adoption. Twins get so much attention— and how they joined our family often comes up. I don't bring up adoption, but it comes up (often just because I don't look like I just birthed twins). This is awesome! They are conversation starters and we've been able to learn so much more about our community— and total strangers! We hope we can provide support for those considering or navigating adoption.  

That Our Love Would Be Immediate

I am surprised at how immediate our love for our boys developed. From the minute we received the call that we were selected, they were our kids. We wondered how this would play out, but I am so surprised how fast our attachment developed considering we didn't have that nine month warmup.    

“We should not be asking who this child belongs to, but who belongs to this child.”

—Jim Gritter

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Adoption
4 Misconceptions About Adoption
August 9, 2016 at 11:53 pm 1
baby crib We've come across so many misconceptions about adoption since first deciding to start the process earlier this year. Honestly, many of these were things we believed, too. Richard's mom and uncle were adopted and I grew up with foster kids in our home for a time, but we still knew so little. After hours of training, reading and talking to both birth moms and adoptive families, we've learned a few things about what adoption looks like in 2016... though we still have so much more to learn! In the mean time, here are four misconceptions about adoption that make us chuckle.  

“You can get a baby for free through foster care.”

First off, leave “get” at the door. (How we talk about adoption is so important.) Second, of course we checked into adopting through foster care before committing to almost $30k to grow our family! Foster care provides safe places for children while their parents work to fix whatever went wrong in the first place. The ultimate goal is always to reunite the parents with their children— not adoption. Social workers will work with the parents... and then the immediate family... and then the foster parents to find the best home for children. Also, young children are very rarely adopted out of foster care in Florida. The main reason is that everyone wants a baby, so birth families usually find a way to keep the child in their family. Birth order is important to us and we want a sibling for Clara now, so domestic infant adoption is the best option for us.  

“International adoption is faster and cheaper.”

HA HA HA. While this might have been true years ago, international adoption went on a diet to prevent human trafficking. Now many countries have closed international adoption, and others have set strict guidelines. Many countries have specific age and financial qualifications adoptive parents have to meet to adopt from there. While the actual adoption fees might be lower than adopting domestically in the US, the additional travel costs will usually run up a bill much higher than what we anticipate. Also, the process can take much longer even after being matched with a child. And since we'd like a child younger than Clara and also, um, yesterday, international adoption isn’t for us right now.  

“Get the baby and run!”

Shifting this idea has probably been the biggest change with our thinking since beginning the adoption process. We thought what was best was to adopt a baby and pretend like his or her story was no different than that of our biological daughter. While our love for this child will absolutely be the same, this baby’s birth story will be such an important part of his or her life. Now we hope for a completely open adoption where our child has so many people who love him or her and never has questions about where he or her came from.  

“Can’t get pregnant? Just go adopt!”

The thought that adoption is an easy alternative to birthing a baby is just laughable. The application, the classes, the home study, the cost, the waiting, the chances of a failed adoption… not only is adopting almost always a longer process than carrying a child for nine months, but it can be much more invasive and expensive.  
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